When They Leave

We are new to foster care so I can't say it will be this way every time or that it is "always" this way; but we have definitely been experiencing some emotional motion sickness these past few weeks with the way fostering has gone. I knew better than to have expectations when we started foster parenting, but I had them anyway. One of the expectations I had was this vision of how things would be when a child left our home. The reality of how a child leaving our home would actually be came crashing in not once but twice in the same day.

A few weeks ago, we received a call that two of our kiddos who were siblings were being moved. We had known from the beginning that we were only going to have them until school was over and then they would return to the county their case had originated in. It had been rather vague when we had tried to pin down when they were actually leaving so I was a little shocked by how quickly it was sprung upon us. The call we received that Wednesday was that we needed to have them packed up and brought to a location over an hour away by 10 am the next morning.

The thing that made this more difficult was that later that same day the worker for our other placement, our first, called and told us that there had been a change of plans and he would be leaving the next day also. Previously, we had been told that after court on a certain day he would be leaving to go to his grandparents...and we believed it. We worked on preparing him and ourselves for the transition, made plans to have a get together with his friends before he left, planned to go through his multitude of toys and clothes (and all sorts of other things), and generally just were living under the assumption that things would go as we had been told to expect. Needless to say, this is not how events played out. As much as we knew that he was very loved and wanted by his grandparents and we were happy for them; the suddenness of it made it hard for us to process. It was hard for him too, I think. He wandered around that night saying, "I can't believe it," and when I would ask him how he felt about this change of plans he had varying responses from, "I don't know" and "What about my friends?" to "I can't wait because they are going to get me a kitten." 

We knew we would miss this kiddo, probably more than he would miss us, to be honest, but I didn't expect how hard it would be to let go. It took all my restraint not to message his grandma the first day to see how things were going. Overnight I had gone from being his mother (even though just temporarily), to being no one. He is with his family and I am so thankful for that, but feelings that have developed over months don't go away overnight. The emotions associated with that surprised me even though I really should have expected them to happen. 

It's strange and I know it's going to sound terrible to say what I have to say next; but it is the truth. As much as I missed that little guy, the main thing I felt about the other two leaving was relief. I don't know if it was just that we had not had them for as long or if it was because we had such a hard time getting the help and resources we needed for them, but I did not feel the same way about their departure. While they were with us, without a doubt, I had love in my heart for them and a desire for what was best for them. But I was surprised and little disappointed in myself over the sense of a burden lifting I felt at their leaving. I felt a lot of guilt for many days over this seeming hardness in my heart.

Now a few weeks out I continue to pray for all 3 of these boys and I have given myself a little more grace. I have felt God's reassurance that I loved and cared for them as best I knew how while he placed them with us. He has placed them in other homes now as part of his plan and I need to trust in him. It's ok that I mourned the loss of one and felt a burden lifted at the leaving of the other two. Each child, each situation, each relationship is different. The only thing he asks me to do is be faithful to care for these little ones for the time he has set.

On a Wednesday we were parents, on Thursday we were not. While my sweet husband was ready right away to take more foster kiddos, I was not. God had some work to do in my heart, things to teach me. But this is the truth I've come to know this week: Even if it is like this every time, always; it is worth it. God has called my husband and I to do this and he will give us the strength and the love we need each time. So now we prepare and wait to see who he brings into our home next.